Read the following online introduction and someone please explain to me how in the hell am I NOT seen coming from a mile away and why then men are stuck like deer in the headlights when talking to me, tripping over their own bullshi….err, logic. You are going to get run over, fool.
Dear School Administrators;
I must admit I noticed when Keegan got out of the car he was still wearing 2 mismatched shoes. I had told him to change before we left, the correct matches to either pair in plain sight, but I had left it at that and allowed my blinders to go back up in terms of his choices . It is not that I don’t care to notice, it is that I do. I don’t know what world he lives in sometimes that makes him want to do such–to wear mismatched shoes; to insist on wearing the grass stained pants he has attached himself to rather than the clean, exact same brand/size/style alternatives in his closest (which I go get and hand to him); or to insist on wearing his “lucky” socks 24/7 so that they (at least one of them) are no longer socks but mid calf leg warmers his foot has gone through the holes worn through them. Or any number of other things. I do what I can to point out what others may expect. That’s enough, because I know THIS world which he has to learn to deal with is hard on kind, sensitive, oddball souls. I will have no part in the crushing of his spirit. He is beautiful as is, and more importantly…he looks perfectly fine.
Read the following online conversation (below) and please note to never overlook the obvious, but always overlook those that overlook of the obvious. It will save you the time and trouble of having to listen about your not hot enough-ness when they feel your burn. Obviously.
Him: “hey boo.”
DCK: “Hey bae”
Him: “I have to get to know you… We’re trading numbers.”
DCK: “So certain that you want to that you don’t trade yours?”
DCK: “John is it? You are going to have to do better than that. You think you are the first cocky 25-year-old thinking that is going to win me over with ”refreshing” nothingness and/or “hey, gimme your number…”
You have severely underestimated options available to me.”
Him:”Where do you live again?”
DCK: “*see profile pic, top left side of thread, this page, beside picture…immediately under profile name*
Him: “You aren’t that hot to have an attitude like that.”
DCK: “Like what? To expect sincere interest? Not hot enough to see your lack of third grade deduction skills? Not hot enough to not want dick pics sent to my phone by yet some unnamed random out of town strangers to further entice my non-hotness to become better acquainted and to fulfill our (as stated by said stranger) destiny? Woe is me.
Besides you aren’t that hot to be that damn dumb.”
*end of conversation*
…Thank God, I’m not a country boy.
Read the following online introduction, and (dudes) please note if you are 45 years old and this is how you address someone who has given ample warning that she is NOT a country bumpkin chit. You should be so lucky to only have your balls handed back to you figuratively. I am doing you a favor.
And for the record. If it helps…you are not a pushover if you don’t get in my way in the first place.
Him: “U r so beautiful. I’d love to chat with you”
DCK: “Isn’t that what you’re doing?”
Him: “Lol. Not till now”
Him: “U r gorgeous”
DCK: “Yes. I got that the first time”
Him: “No. I said beautiful the first time.”
Him: “Ok. So. I’m a country boy. I like simple
DCK: “I see that. We aren’t compatible. My experience., “easy going” is man code for “I shouldn’t have to try so hard”
Him: “Oh no. U got that wrong”
DCK: “Look dude. You havent asked one leading question to show any interest or so much as said your name and/or hello between the three times you have already tried to tell me I am wrong. (Chatting isn’t really chatting, beautiful and gorgeous should never be interpreted as the same in opening line bullshit, and me telling you flat-out I am not interested can’t be true until you lose interest in me first. My bad…) You basically said “hey you are pretty i’d fuck you ( no you didn’t SAY that but really you did.) so why don’t you start since I have shown to not want to try. I am easy-going…” (another point to me. Me, 4. You, 0)”
Him: “Hey. Sorry girly. I’m offshore I had to work. I just want to tell u. I would spank u for talking like that. Lol. But u might like it. U really need to hear me out first before u form an opinion. I do like a strong woman. But I’d have to put u in your place. In person of corse.”
Him: “I am by far a pushover I know I can give u what u need. And. U will listen. But. Can’t really do it here”
DCK: “Girly? You can’t put me in any kind of place, fool. You can’t even get past hello. As for hearing you out, my opinion of you is spot on as is. You jumped straight from not quite hello to spanking. I heard enough. (before prior comment) I don’t need, don’t want, anything you (may or may not) have got.
*end of conversation*
Read the following profile (in part) and DCK’s introduction to him. Please understand DCK does try,and has the best of intentions, but her inner warm and fuzzies do not translate into a simple “Hello.” See if you can follow her between the line tone that starts as a light and easy nonsense opener to amusement at his expense, to irritation to Aww HELL no! This-fool-be-thinking-I-am-sympathetic-to-his-“crazy women”-plight. From hello to you are a stupid f*ck—in 80 words or less—it might be a record
….6’2 190lbs brown, brown. I am intelligent, romantic, affectionate, passionate, caring and know how to have FUN!!! My taste in music, movies and activities is very broad. As you will see if you continue to read….
Movies: Shawshank Redemption is probably my all time favorite. Recent movies I liked. End of Watch, Django Unchained. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Notebook(Bite me if you have something to say about that one. Best romantic movie of all time),The Hangover, Wedding Crashers. I also find that I like movies that no one has ever heard of. Freeway, S.F.W. and Employee Of The Month(Not the one with Jessica Simpson. The one with Matt Dillon) are three of them off the top of my head….
Life: I like to enjoy life. I like to spend time with a special person. I can do just about anything from partying all night to chilling on the couch with a movie. Anything that exercises the mind, body or soul. I am a nice guy with an edge. I don’t give any sh*t and I won’t take any shit. So if you are into playing childish games or drama then you need to find a little boy. The only games I like to play are sports, PS3, board, card and bedroom games. Not exactly in that order….
BTW. I DO NOT chase girls. That is a childish game. So do yourself a favor and don’t play hard to get. Only little boys play that game. And trust me. You will not be happy with a little boy unless you’re a pedophile. So if you are interested say Hi. If I am, I will reply.
DCK: “The Notebook? Duuuude, you HAD me…until I saw that.”
Him: “You would really dismiss someone because they like a movie you don’t? You know how retarded that sounds? That is like saying you won’t date someone who has a favorite color different than yours. I would say good luck to you but there isn’t that much luck in the world. You need a big dose of reality lady”
DCK: “What? It was an opening line playing off your profile description. I guess I should have LOL’d it, Mr. “I am intelligent. You Notebook types, sheesh. Sensitive. Am glad I didn’t.”
Him: “Well when you have waded through a sea of delusional women who think Zac Efron is going to whisk them away on his magical unicorn and take them to his castle in the clouds and that he has a billion dollars and a twelve-inch dick you get kind of tired of the stupidity. I really think that they are so afraid of being hurt that they create this list of things a guy has to have that they know that no man could live up to it all just because they are scared.”
DCK: “Still not sure I am following. You are blaming your lack of reading comprehension on them—romanitical, magical unicorn loving, damsels in distress—and my obvious, spoken disdain of similar romantical, unrealistic tripe, of course, made me sound like them?”
Him: *delete and block user*
PS–I should have taken my own advice (Tip #10) when he stated he doesn’t chase girls. But what was the harm in hello? …
I must have issues. I think I’ve stated that.