Today’s Episode: Milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard

Read the following online introduction, and (men) please take note what to look for in hateful angry bitches so that you can avoid them and save everyone involved the trouble:
  1. Bitches have milkshakes
  2. Angry bitches don’t necessarily want to share them and/or take kindly to random strangers coming up saying they want to lick them.
  3. Angry bitches exhibit patience and be all like, “You need to rethink your approach. Here’s a hint you best take it if you wish to continue.” Spoken with neutral tone so that the outcome is 100% in your control.
  4. Angry bitches don’t say one word about the hint you didn’t take therefore agreeing with you and the choice you made instead.
  5. Once you go down that road (of quick dismissal, patronizing comments, and implied requests to stroke your ego), angry bitches simply stand there and let you go down it. Alone.
  6. Angry bitches agree with you when you finally realize you made the wrong choice and thank you in the end for the growth experience you have so kindly offered.

Follow these simple guidelines and you too will be able to identify and eliminate all the drama that crazy women contribute to your simple, good intentioned life. Best of luck.

 

Him: “I think you got a flavor I like…”

DCK: “Vanilla?”

Him: “Stawberry of course,,but wait,, I do like vanilla ice cream, you know I mean lol”

DCK: “That you have a sweet tooth? That you speak in bad euphemisms? That you assume way too much? That you don’t have the sense to say hello first?…..”

Him: “don’t really have a sweet tooth. very particular about deserts. and don’t take what I say too seriously. was just flirting with you in a playful way..”

DCK: “Yes I see that….because sex talk before you even say your name is so endearing. I never take it seriously”

Him: “Glad you don’t. Anyhow’s, I see you’re into roller derby. Never been to one, but must be a lot fun”

DCK: “Are you asking me something with that rhetorical statement?”

Him: “forget it”

DCK: “Exactly.”

Him: “”Bitch” on the back of your jersey fits you perfectly. Hope you let all the anger and hate you’re holding inside go one day. Peace”

DCK: “Dude the only thing I expect is some genuineness and common courtesy of an introduction (ie a name). I so much as told you half of that, but thank you for going there. I love when my gut reaction about someone is validated by that same said someone. Makes me all warm and fuzzy on the inside..”

*end of conversation*

 

Conversations with a 5 Year Old

Welcome to my time machine: DP Writing Challenge

I am killing two birds with one stone here: Why I started to write. Simply to capture moments in my life, insignificant snapshots that reveal so much. It started with my son, Keegan when he was five because pictures don’t capture enough, and the style is reflective in all my posts.  No defense or long-winded, detailed explanation-only the bare minimum of words.  You are welcome to see what you want to see.

So without further ado, (I’ve already said too much….) Here are two moments in time  (circa 2010):

First Day of Spring 2010

First Sign of Spring–tighty whities in the front yard. (Spring 2010)

Episode One: The Shoe Box

*come across a shoe box, amply decorated with various dinosaur/monster drawings, stashed away in a secret hidey hole*

DCK: *opening box* “What’s this K-man?”

Keegan:*straight face, serious tone* “All the weapons I’m NOT gonna kill you with.”

contents of box:
1. pistol (ie–squirt gun)
2. hand grenade (softball)
3. liquid lava (juice bottle)
4 rock (rock)

Episode Two: “Touched by an Angel” or just simply “Touched”

Keegan: “Mom. Why do you call me Keegan?”
DCK: “Because that’s what I named you when you were a baby.”
Keegan: “But God told me my name is Jonathan.”
DCK: “Really? How nice. When was this?”
Keegan: ” A couple days ago. But it’s okay. I told him Keegan was my nickname…

…He’s fine with that.”

Today’s Episode “Was it as good for you as it was for me?”

8795

head•strong [ héd stròng ] 1.willful and stubborn: self-willed and determined not to follow orders or advice

Read the following online introduction and please tell me what further reasoning does one need to not listen to a dumbass seen coming from a mile away. (The worldly man’s man in question is 20. I am 44)

Him: “Hey, how are you doing?”

DCK: “Duuuuude, please. You are wasting your time.”

Him: “Don’t underestimate me because I’m young. Might be surprised haha”

DCK: “By what?–your compete naivety or your overabundant eagerness at the prospect of finally learning how to fuck. No thank you.”

Him: “Pretty sure I know how to fuck haha. But what makes you think you’re so sure about yourself? You’ve never met me, you don’t know me. But somehow you are “all knowing” and so confident. People like you amuse me haha”

DCK: “I think the term you aren’t quite grasping is called experience. I couldn’t care less that you don’t get it. (i.e. maturity) Amuse yourself all you want. (i.e. foolhardy)”

Him: “I don’t know why you have to come off all headstrong for no reason, but I respect the style haha. But the real reason I messaged you is that I’ve always wanted to have sex with an older woman. It’s just a thought that really turns me on. I’ll be completely honest. Wether you decide to keep talking to me or blow me off is up to you and I respect it, but just wanted to be fully honest.”

DCK: “No shit, genius … and I’ve already blown you off. (pun intended) …a few times….”

*end of conversation*

Today’s Episode: “Pay me a compliment. It will cost you more than you think.”

two cents
Please read the following online conversation (what was said)

Him: “Hey alpha you’re one attractive woman. I don’t say that because your gorgeous, even though you are, but I say that because I can tell your intelligent. Even better than that though your confidence.”

DCK: “My eyes are green too since we are stating the obvious here.”

Him: “Well thanks mine are blue. I just think it’s awesome you’re a smart woman who knows what she  wants that’s rare”

DCK: ”No it’s not. Rare for 20…yes”.

Him: “Exactly my point”

DCK: “which is what? you are too young to know better or that I should be flattered I am not mistaken for a little girl by little boys?”

*end of conversation*

 

 Re-reread the above conversation (what was actually meant)

Him: “Hey I am 20 and a man…so let me explain to you how smart you are (because that is going to work. I know it!)….”

DCK: ”You are walking on shaky ground here. Careful.”

Him: “No really, I mean it. Women are dumb, but not you. I am sure you will appreciate my validation of you. Again. How smart you are…because you didn’t catch it the first time. But that’s okay.”

DCK: ”Fool. You don’t know shit.”

Him: *exasperated with the effort my thick headedness is causing* Exactly my point.”

DCK: *explain to him his point which he agreed to without even knowing what he said.*  “$#*@&!& dumbass….. “

*end of conversation*

 

10 Bonus Points if you caught the irony in his use of “your,” not “you’re”